Hopes, the Present Moment, and Waiting

As the title of this piece suggests, i'm in a period that is particularly full of lots of hopes and waiting. There is a lot of looming uncertainty about the future: what projects I might undertake, where I might travel, with whom I might spend my time, the list goes on. This is, many might say, the space that fills most of our lives, and it is a space we rarely take the time to enjoy constructively.

Like an adrenaline rush, we yearn towards the future, taste just a hint then find ourselves hungering for more. As a woman in her mid-twenties, I have stepped into a space where I can live comfortably, thoughtfully, and strategically yet often feel as if I lack the things that would make my life feel full. My longing, I can quite honestly say, is for something more than accomplishment; in fact, I think articles in women's magazines are just starting to get at this. Women in general are climbing the ladders of their corporate, even social, fantasies and then finding that all of the things that they thought would make them feel good just end up feeling, well, not. My suspicion is that the same is holding true for men.

For many of us, the first few years out of college involve a pressing into dreams for accomplishment, entrepreneurial endeavors, and life-defining moments. I've had many of these along the way since I graduated. But what i've realized, increasingly over time, is that what I actually want is something a lot deeper than these shallow dreams of my youth entailed. A mentor in my first year out of college once cautioned me and several friends (fellows, actually) to treasure the days of our youth for as long as we could before the days of the diapers came along. Increasingly, aye interestingly, I find myself caught at the crossroads of one's youthful dreams and a slight longing for diaper wonderland. And this is the space that no one prepares you for quite adequately; it is a deeply-entrenched life of already but not quite yet.

We go to work energized, come home feeling exhausted and longing for deep connection with other people but so often find ourselves in the space of loneliness. This sense of loneliness can go with us whether we're sitting at home watching movies by ourselves or out at a show with friends just feeling distant. We crave connectedness but so many modern day realities have made it hard for us to cultivate worthwhile relationships with others in our communities. Whether it is the sheer distance between us and our peers or the fact that many of us are transient, unattached, and continuously mobile, it is easy to feel like it has been weeks since we touched ground. My guess is that this sentiment touches on the experience of both marrieds and unmarrieds in my generation, as a few new friends that fall into the former category recently remarked that all their unmarried friends largely ignore them and assume they're off happy in married bliss while they pander on feeling isolated.

Concurrently, in a city like DC so much conversation focuses around the things that we do for a living, the things that I truly believe we in this city think make us who we are. I believe that this is a falsehood, which may have taken the year I spent outside this city to truly sink in. Who we are is not where we work, it is not our talents, it is not our accolades. It is something more, very much more. But our culture has not given us the proper framework to understand or even appreciate this truth, even though so much around us hints at it. There is a sense of fragmentation that runs deep in our communities and it concerns me. It is a way of living that says "its okay if you don't show up, because i'll find something better to do, when a friend drops the ball on plans." We puff in whispered silence "I don't really need you" when others let us down. And something of our "pull 'em up by 'er bootstraps" upbringing has taught us to think this way.

But, what if we change the scenario completely and acknowledge the fact that we do really need each other, desperately? What if we candidly say to our friends and communities, "I can't do this without you and I need you to show up?" What if we openly acknowledge that our forms of community feel isolating, and shallow? Now, what if we decide that we want to do something about this and start breathing life into a vision for something deeper and more communal? 

This is the vague space in which my mind is operating as of late, and it is-to be sure-the kernel of a much longer work in the making. I know not how to express it in anything other than abstraction today. Right now I am being challenged to confront many of the questions addressed here head-on and determine how my reaction is something more than lamentation. What I crave, most desperately, is a remedy, even a model of the remedy, something I feel is largely lacking in our modern day America. I don't think the lesson that I am longing for will be found here in this city, but do believe that the process of discovering it will leave me changed forever. Adventure is on the horizon, and this one will most definitely be shared. As for now, hoping, waiting, and learning to enjoy the present moment, however small and simple.