Cooking is a pleasure and a release for me-it enlivens my acuity to flavors and textures and quiets the restless reverberations of my unceasing mind. After a long day at work today with far too many thoughts spinning round in my brain, I skipped the gym and immediately headed home for some R&R. Instead of embarking upon my intended plans for the evening, I decided to relax a bit and spent about an hour honing a lettuce wraps recipe that I tested on friends a few weeks ago. Chopping like mad with a jagged-edged blade and tossing nutty oils into a sizzling hot pan, my frustration over the day waned.
Fast-forward two hours and I was back at my computer, sitting, restless. I did not allow myself to stay at rest because I was so anxious to get back to my "have-tos" that never came to fruition. I still needed the rest that working in the kitchen allowed me. My mind has been on fast-forward for the last 2-3 months and to be quite honest it's been driving me a little bit crazy. I have questions that I am practically dying for answers to, but am so unwilling to wait and be present in the moments at hand. In the process, I want big heavy tears to fall-to just have a huge outburst and get it all out. But, even that seems impossible for the moment. And so, I often feel trapped in my own head, with no understanding of how to escape. Cooking for me, though, remains a way to do something constructive with my perplexing interior life.
Turning into the wee hours of the evening when I probably should have been settling into a nice warm bath or slipping under the covers, I decided instead to head back into the kitchen. Contrary to what some might surmise, it was the right decision. I did some cleaning and then made a fresh fruit salad by chopping up kiwi, apples, a blood orange, and assorted berries; finishing things off with a few squeezes of lime juice. Rather than wear me out, the time spent working with my hands refreshed me and renewed my sense of self-awareness and confidence. For some, I realize, cooking is a chore. For me, cooking is a way to escape the worries of the day and become fully present in a particular moment. When I chop fresh fruits and vegetables with my hands, the pent up frustrations from deep within rise to the top and are allowed to escape. Stress and unrealized expectations melt away as I peek into a steaming pot. And, putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and scrubbing down the counters at the end leaves me with a sense of accomplishment and deep satisfaction: I have done something-made something-and used my time constructively-to provide flavorful sustenance.
Like Sarah Michelle Gellar's character in the film "Simply Irresistible," my deepest joys and frustrations are poured into my food. As I cook, the thoughts that have pounded hard or scratched gnawingly within my head float to the surface as bubbles and are allowed to pop. Heavy fears and cresting hopes seep into the juices of my dishes, and in the process of cooking I am allowed to be fully human. Without words, thoughts can be expressed in a way that gives them full voice, and whether the final dish turns out sweet or sour, it can always be transformed into a masterpiece with just the right blend of seasonings. As an artist who paints his passions onto a canvas, mine are painted into my food-the honeycombed mountaintops and bitter valleys of life form the skeleton of my culinary creations. And in allowing my feelings to gain expression through the act of cooking, I am given a fresh breath of life and the courage to carry on.
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