Who are your best friends? Why would you consider them such? For me the answer to the second of these questions is easy: because they know me, the real me, the incredible heights to which I am capable of climbing and the horrible depths to which I have fallen; they don't know all of me, no one can, but understand that inner person better than any other people. These are the people who can quickly affirm me with only a quick nod and raising of the eyes, and who can show me i'm in the wrong simply by not speaking at all.
One thing i have learned, and stumbled through, in the process of developing relationships with others is the role of mystery in a real, rooted relationship. In the kind of friendship that is going to stand the test of time, there is no forcing in, no "tell me your life story in five seconds." There is, instead, a slow unfolding of the many furls of experience and personality that comes over the period of years rather than days or months. To know someone well, you have to be willing to be patient, and you have to be willing to not get everything at first bite. If we make the assumption that we have gotten everything in one fell swoop, then we're likely missing out on the butterfly hiding out inside the cocoon.
However, we live in a culture of first bite taste good or move on. This translates to the way we present ourselves, particularly through internet mediums. "Hi, my name is Janice and my ten favorite bands are x, y, and z, and if you want to know my favorite movies, just scroll down a bit further; and if you hadn't guessed it, my favorite quotes are all listed there too." If our list isn't cool enough, have we somehow missed the boat? If we leave off our favorite books and forget to link our pictures are we doomed for failure in life and work? What does this jargon and information even mean? And is it real? No, seriously, can anyone really be described in a large white box with a bunch of text?
Hiding just below the surface of most people is a treasure box waiting to be opened. This box contains pieces of gold, silver, and even some odd knicknacks from the past. However, this box can only be opened slowly and the contents viewed one at the time. If someone tries to grab too much at once, he'll find himself like the kid who stuck his hand in the candy jar, trying to hold more treats than will fit through the mouth of the jar. When it comes to our delicious candies, though, many are encouraging us to put them out for all to see. "Status update: I'm off to the store to buy some new rainboots. (posted 2 minutes ago)" Laying all your cards down on the table for all to see may seem wise initially, but its really just an act likely to result in someone taking advantage of you.
I've used the internet as an example, but really this kind of thing transcends medium, and its really all about what you choose not to say rather than what you choose to say. By self-promoting we may gain fans, but we're not likely to gain real friends. Real friends listen, they don't just speak. And a humble friend doesn't always feel the need to have his opinion heard or presence recognized, oftentimes he/she is just happy to be at your side.
Furthermore, when it comes to relationships, there are multiple kinds. One kind involves a "what can I get out of this?" mentality, whether its building a relationship for networking purposes or simply sucking a person dry for their intriguing take on life/culture/or anything really. Meanwhile, another kind involves a growing mutual affection that is built over the course of years. The kinds of friends that fall into the latter category likely are not the ones who post on your "wall" all day long, or retweet your stream of consciousness remarks. Why? because these people are walking through life with you, whether from next door or across the world. These people are joking with you over the phone, gathering for a meal, or enjoying a quiet evening on the veranda simply enjoying your presence (and you theirs).
...this post is somewhat of a stream of thoughts, at this point an incomplete dialogue, but there is more to come on this topic
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1 comments:
My next door neighbor feels the same way about internet/social media ways to build friendships. I completely understand. They are ways to keep in touch - including blogging - but if you do want to get to know me, talk to me. Its much better that way!
Hope you are well!
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