Taking Time to Listen

This past week, I went on an intentional vacation. It was a vacation to contemplate, listen, and hear. There was nothing "magical" about the experience, but it was a time of resting in who I am uniquely made to be and coming to terms with my shortcomings, hurts, sins, and strongholds.

I returned to DC tonight a year older and more in touch with myself than I feel like i've been in a while. Things are changing, and i'm okay with it. The changes are for the better, although they are hard. The things I found my identity in have been stripped away, and i've been left grasping for what is true, parched for something real and lasting.

It's funny how all of this has panned out... A little over a month ago, I quit my job, and my final week was only a week ago-it feels like ages though. It has been hard to give up something I cared about, that struck at some of my deepest passions, but that I knew wasn't right for me. In being willing to give up my job, and a "secure identity" here in D.C., though, i've been reopened to the identity that is founded in nothing here on this earth and continually challenged to find myself there. Somewhat surprisingly, i've become totally okay with just waiting for the right opportunity rather than striving to find a temporary one, where I can find security and a sense of self in something that was never meant to fill me in such a way.

There are times in our lives when we can just stand back and say "this is right." And right now is one of those times. As I drove back into DC tonight, I had such a peace about leaving to explore something new. It's more than just a little scary, and most people here in the West would tell me i'm crazy; heck most people around the world might tell me i'm crazy. But I also want to be a person that lives with reckless abandon. And I felt certain that I was supposed to take the steps that I did and know deep down in my heart of hearts that in taking those steps, a "new vista of experience" will be opened unto me (to paraphrase a favorite author, Hans Rookmaaker).

I spent Saturday evening walking on the beach in NC watching the last streaks of sunset fade into the background. As I stared at the quickly fading masterpiece in the sky, I was struck by my prideful fear: my fear that I know better and that if I really trust God he will disappoint me. -Sometimes disappointments can obscure our vision of the truth, and it is good to take the time to realize how clouded our vision has become. By waiting and listening, we can often find more than we ever could doing, talking, and striving.- That night, I looked up at the beautiful sky and realized how silly i'd been to think that the God who painted the universe was incapable of handling the details of my life. Even after giving up my job, I wasn't willing to give in and say "i'm here and I don't know what to do but i'm trusting that you know best." Finally, embracing the Saturday sunset, I surrendered those doubts and said "lead me." As a post months ago embraced the term, I repeat it again, as the chant weighing upon my heart: akoloutheo ; Let's walk into the horizon together, knowing that the great adventure is yet to come.