On relationship and false expectations

A single face in a sea of names. My facebook profile boasts more than 500 acquaintances. And I know them all, in some way or another. My city is full of young people, many wanting to be known and going out exploring “the scene” or looking for ways to feel better about themselves-be it through fashion, their jobs, or something else. And further I live in a town full of families, a delightful town, to be quite frank, with quaint shops, restaurants, and a beautiful waterfront. I have dozens of free galleries to visit each weekend, a wonderful church, and treasured friends. Yet why do I feel so alone? Why do so many of us feel this way… Why are we searching? Longing…to be known, to be loved, to be thought worthy-of friendship, of love, of romance.

As I approach the year and a half mark of being out of school, I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized the cyclical nature of many relationships. Friendships fade. People move, people get married, people change. I have good friends from high school that I barely talk to anymore. Good friends from college-much the same. It breaks my heart, to an extent, but the reality is it has to happen to an extent.

I honestly confess that being a young adult in a big city is unbelievably lonely. Sure there are parties, new people to meet every day if I so wish, and good food-enough restaurants to visit a different one every night with a different person and never wear out all the options. What I crave, though, isn’t a bevy of 500 some odd people who tell me I’m cool, or read my profile and think “hmm, she’s intriguing,” as they peruse photos of my latest escapades or browse my music tastes. What I want, and-I think-what we all want, is to be known. We want to be known for who we are and loved anyway…with true knowing comes time, attention, and care.

Sure, this is an online blog and I’m being pretty raw here, but I don’t really care. I think we need more raw, real, genuine people telling us the truth. And the truth is, we’re in search of genuine relationship and often looking for it in all the wrong places-cocktail parties, movie dates, internet matchmaking, the list goes on. What we want more than anything is real, genuine relationship: real, good, full friendship…and we don’t need a movie, computer, or “setting” to facilitate it. We just need each other. Good friendships are often hard to come by…and by this I mean friendships characterized as covenant relationships. How do you know a covenant relationship when you see one? They’re relationships with people that demand nothing in return but give of themselves because the giving is what it means to love. Such friendships are good because there is no need for ambiance or setting to maintain them-all that is needed is the real, raw self that both parties bring to the table. Certainly the parties enjoy a good visit to an art gallery, or a meal in a quaint Georgetown restaurant, but it’s not necessary to make the goodness of the friendship a reality.

Oh, how I could go on… Certainly, everyone has a story worth hearing but there are only some people that you can sit down with and just lay it on the line who will actually listen, genuinely, truly. When we find such people, they’re worth holding near and dear.

Meanwhile the truth is, I’m reminded as friends start grad school in cities like Atlanta, or move along the path to marriage, that these people don’t fill the gaps I want filled by others. Some of my gaps are gaps that only one person was meant to fill, some are gaps that friends can fill (sometimes only for a time), but another, larger gap is the one that only God can fill. Often, I confuse what other people can do for me with what God should fill and complete. If I look to other people to tell me I’m beautiful, worthy, or loved first, I’m always going to find disappointment. Who we are shouldn’t change based on what other people say or think about us; it should remain firmly rooted in what Christ says about us and in what that relationship signifies.

As with many others, I like what author Madeline L’Engle has to say on this topic:

Friendship not only takes time, it takes a willingness to drop false expectations, of ourselves, of each other. Friends--or lovers--are not always available to each other. Inner turmoils can cause us to be unhearing when someone needs us, to need to receive understanding when we should be giving understanding. We are not static in any relation. The world we live in is unstable under our feet, and so we grab at any security we can. We all want security. I do. I want to go to bed knowing that my family is all right; that the world is a safe enough place so that I can go to sleep knowing that the night will be at least moderately quiet (that’s the best we can hope for in a big city), and that I’ll be allowed to wake up in the morning and get on with the business of the day. I want to know that my friends will always be available for me when I need them-and vice versa. We make golden calves out of false expectations and are horrified when they turn out to be metal or clay, not flesh and blood at all.

So, as I sit at home, with my dearest friendships (ie. family) close at hand, and another dear friend coming to visit shortly, I am reminded to 1) be real with others, 2) intentionally pursue real, full relationships that go beyond surface questions, 3) love people anyway, even when they don’t meet my expectations, 4) not make people into idols, and 5) realize that I have a best friend, who is thicker than blood, nearer than kin, and was willing to give his life on my behalf. I am thankful for that final friend, and for the others who stand as icons of what his love looks like.


current song pick: "Fake Empire" by The National. I know, it's a bit outdated for the indie rock crew, but my brother loves it and it makes me reexamine the song all over again. Don't you love it when people do that to you?